Have you finally orgasmed yet?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
