I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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