Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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