My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
