Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
