My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
