Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
