That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
