On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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