I cannot find my penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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