I puked a lego.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
high people should be assigned attendants
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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