I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
