No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
