The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
