Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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