I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
