But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
