omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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