Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
