I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
