when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
