weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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