Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They took my balls.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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