she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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