Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
