2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
