Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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