4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
