is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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