The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
