I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
