we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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