i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
