I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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