Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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