Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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