First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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