I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
NoShamevember. You game?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
