i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
