i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
