census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
