This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Houston, we have a squirter
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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