Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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