nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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