There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
