a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
