You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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