i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
