I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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