Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
