Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I need a beard to bite.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
