My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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