9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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