Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
