that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
