Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
