College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think my vagina is haunted
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
