return my video game
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
