Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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