After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got inside last night via doggy door
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
