Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
